I like bit mutts

YOU KNOW IT!

May you have the Highest Jannah Sister Ny Gany

As Salaamu Aalaykum
A facebook friend passed away today, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun. May Allah swt have mercy on Najma Yasmin Ny Gani's soul, may her sins be forgiven, may all of her good deeds and prayers be accepted as complete. AMEEN.

Our sister passed away today (10th March 2012) peacefully in hospital. Her janaaza will be taking place at the Islamic Centre of Greenwich on 11th March (address: 131 Plumstead Road SE18 7DW). She wanted us to communicate this on here so everyone can attend and make duah for her. This will take place after zhur prayers so please be present from 12:30pm if you can. Her burial will take place at the Garden of Peace afterwards. Thank you Osman and Sabina. LINK

I've been following her diagnosis because as a child I was diagnosed with leukemia and after chemo it successfully went in to remission by age 7, alhamdulillah. I was as skinny as a bone, subhanaAllah.

feb 17th is a day of reflection for me & my family, its the day six years ago i was diagnosed with leukaemia. six years on i am still fighting, im worn out & my life has turned out completely different to what i imagined. i have so much to be thankful for, and so many questions for my creator....but at the end of this i know there is a better place where pain & disease no longer exist and the battle in this life will def be worth the rewards of the next....it took a while to reach this conclusion but alhamdulilah i understand it now. LINK

Please keep our sister in your du'as because by tomorrow night it will be the first night in the grave for her.  May Allah swt forgive her and reward her immensely. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam

Answering ̶E̶v̶e̶r̶y̶o̶n̶e̶ Anyone? o.O ...nafsi! nafsi!

Bismilllah,
I saw the following status update being passed around in my circle of friends and I wanted to share it with you all. When I read "call people to the Quran and Sunnah and not to bother with their doubts and whims" I cringed. WHY NOT?! WE SHOULD confront those doubts and dispel them. However, after some time to cool off I agree somewhat with it.

There are so many bad ideas and doubts. Life is too short to answer it all and it harms more than benefits. The correct methodology is to call people to the Quran and Sunnah and not to bother with their doubts and whims. The heart is easily affected and one must protect it to preserve it from change. Most of those who went astray were those who were over confident. The Prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam forbade us from facing the Dajjal when he comes out, fearing that one will follow him due to the tribulations that he brings with him. Allah says: “then sit not with them, until they engage in a talk other than that; (but if you stayed with them) certainly in that case you would be like them”. How many went astray and were indulged in acts of hypocrisy and doubts unknowingly due to listening to falsehood? -Assim Alhakeem

There was a brother (don't remember his name, screen name or anything else--nor do I want to remember, please don't post his information--) but he used to make videos tearing down people who'd left Islam. I watched ONE of his videos because it happened to be about a friend of mine who had left Islam. He was very harsh, delineating how they were never Muslim to begin with since their views weren't Islamic from the get go etc. A few months after posting that video he also left Islam and created a video about it (the same ones he would mock & tear up before) but I didn't watch it. After all those videos appearing so strong and sure of his beliefs he left. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajiuun.

Anyway my point is that I feel comfortable in my Islam and am willing to share my love for it to others but don't feel the need to go through every post on every blog and forum to defend Islam. I make du'a for the world. I truly want for them what I want for myself but I wont beat anyone into submission. I'm to relay the message and the recipient is to do with it as she pleases.  InshaAllah it is well received.

That's all folks!

ps, May we and all those who have strayed be granted hidayat and brought back to the haqq until the day of judgment. AMEEN

wa SALAAM!

pps, btw just so there are no misunderstanding I DO NOT know who Assim Alhakeem is. I found his status update interesting and wanted to reference him so I can remember where I got it from. It doesn't mean I know the person or condone ALL of their behavior.

Rough Rough Rough Week(s)

As Salaamu Aalaykum,

Its been a few rough weeks now. Alhamdulillah for everything. When it rains it pours and I am struggling to keep my head up. Last week I dealt with THIS and it hit me at the worst possible time. Blogging has been a release for me as I can let go of my past in a SAFE anonymous way. Its brought a lot of new friends and it has been overall a great experience. 

Anyway, after a LONG break from blogging there's a lot of pent up memories that need to GO. To help with that I opened up to my husband letting go of a few of them and it honestly overwhelmed him.  Dang. He was TRYING so hard to be supportive but there's only so many seriously abusive memories a person can absorb before it takes a toll on them.  So am back to blogging. InshaAllah it doesn't overwhelm you guys. *InshaAllah* 

For a few months now, I've been feeling lonely, jealous, bitter and all other nasty qualities I'd rather not have. Whenever I do feel thing I immediately make du'a for the person who brought out those emotions because they are innocent and I DO NOT want to hurt them in anyway or give them the eye. Its not that I wish they DIDN'T have what they have its more of a sadness that I lack it. Its selfish and childish but I just haven't been able to shake it off me.

I stay away from pregnant women because my miscarriage is still fresh (one year for the first twin to be miscarried and in a few weeks it will be one year since the 2nd twin was miscarried). The feeling of lost and mourning took a few months AFTER the miscarriage to hit me as I was in survival mode but, boy when it hit me, it hit me hard.  I thought I got a handle on it because I wasn't bursting in to tears but on Jan 10th I was reading an article about Jay-Z's new rap song (one of my bros is a huge fan and I was curious about his daughter). It mentioned that they had a miscarriage prior to giving birth to Blue Ivy and I burst in to tears. DANG. I just stared at my screen and cried. Cried for my loss, their loss and every other parent who has lost a child.  It burned.  Unexpected and the tears started just with the giant words spelling M I S C A R R I A G E. <--That's what did it.  Then when I read his pain and it reflected my pain the tears just poured.  

Last time the miscarriage was so tragic

We was afraid you'd disappear, but nah, baby, you magic

You know what made it worst?
That I hadn't considered how this would affect any future pregnancies. I'm terrified of getting pregnant again. Terrified. I feel like am barely holding on to this world as it is. Of all the things that I thought would knock me down I never expected it from a song that I haven't even heard not once. Don't want to even imagine what it would do to me if I actually hear it.

False alarms and false starts

All made better by the sound of your heart

All the pain of the last time

I prayed so hard it was the last time....

This turned out to be a long post and I've already shared a few tears I'm taking a break until tomorrow. inshaAllah. May all the parents who have lost children be granted hidayat and sakeenah in their hearts and mind from now until the day of judgment. AMEEN.

Wa Salaam,

Am BACK!

After 7 months of going over to wordpress am back to blogger, will you take me back? It was lonely over there and blogging was supposed to be my stress reliever but it became a JOB. Had to constantly keep upgrading and tweaking it all the time so that it would actually work

I stopped following my fave blogs because I had to log back in to blogger to do that and I hate login in to stuff. (mental barriers).  I'm hoping to catch up on my reading now that am back inshaAllah.

What have you ladies been upto?

WORRY WARRIORS! HERE ME ROAR!

For 2012 I decided I WILL be more social so I signed up for meetup and started a few groups (I'm closing them as I can't afford them...oops). However, as I started searching the site I discovered some pretty SWEET meetups take the following one for example

http://www.meetup.com/Worrierwarriors/

HOW COOL ARE THEY?!

There's another meetup for light saber FIGHT CLUB! (http://lightsaber.meetup.com/)

2012 is gonna be AWESOME!

First day of homeschooling

 Today was my 3 yr olds first day of more structured homeschooling. Usually we just play, lounge around or go to the park and I teach him in between. Our school supplies came in on Friday and he was SOOOO excited to get started and even though I told him we would start on Monday it didn't stop him from asking me every 30 minutes if it was Monday yet.  The structured thing was not well received but I'll give it some more time since we are still new at this.

I'm basically learning the lessons first and then teaching it to my toddler.  I LOVE IT! I am using 'homeschooling' to delve in to all kinds of things I wish  I could have done growing up and sharing it with my son. Today we had Arabic and will do it again tomorrow and on Wednesday and Thursday we are doing Spanish. :)

I want to take more pictures but I think I"ll be too busy running around and keeping a 1 year old from destroying my 3 yr old's  notebooks and supplies.

Life is Good. Alhamdulillah. Still dealing with some dark stuff but the good is starting to win out. :)

I've Gone MAD!

I've been away from blogging for a few months and its because I was dealing with a lot.  Life catches up with you, things you've neatly tucked away to deal with "later" fester until you HAVE to deal with them.  Anyway, the miscarriage that started around this time last year really had a profound affect on me more so than I anticipated or care to admit.

I always considered myself a strong person, someone that can weather the storm and survive relatively unscathed. I survived war, rape, leukemia and abuse long before I was 18.  The fact that I SURVIVED those things as a child and they didn't destroy me filled me with a great sense of pride, of being a warrior.  My motto back then would have been "never give up, never surrender and never ever admit defeat."

Since the birth of my baby girl in Sept 2010 though my world has not been the same.  The positives? I LOVE my baby girl and she is now 15 months old and very attached to me. Her love heals me. The years of repressed memories don't send me in to panic attacks and I am DEALING with things instead of PRETENDING to deal with issues.

The negatives? I've become more vulnerable, my heart is too tender and I cry easily. This may not bother many people but it bothers me. This isn't me. What happened to me?  I miss the old me, the one with thick skin and warrior attitude.

Take yesterday for example, I was listening to a live lecture from someone I had never heard about and they (I'm hoping to keep the gender private) seemed very angry and arrogant in their mannerism.  Long story short I answered a question that apparently I had no right answering and got a tongue lashing from this person who was apparently very offended that I had the audacity to consider myself a scholar and that they OWNED the site and they OWNED this and they OWNED that.  Mind you this would have made me laugh a few years ago because this person was acting like a caricature and I would have brushed it off as some insane egomaniac on the internet and forgotten about it the next second.

Instead this is what happened...I BURST in to tears. *GASP* Full on tears, snot and heavy breathing.  I didn't defend myself and I exited out of the live feed but only after listening to about 5 mins of this person going on and on about me and when it was clear they weren't going to stop as they were being encouraged on by their followers. Awesome dawah.

THANK GOD I was only listening and not on the phone or it would have been doubly embarrassing if they had heard me so upset. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. This person's response was so heavy handed and out of proportion to the transgression that I was shell shocked and didn't know what hit me. I got angry and I was angry with myself as well because really, to listen to 5 mins of a stranger giving you a tongue lashing in front of an audience of strangers with a few acquaintances sprinkled in? I used to do that when my mom would start her long rants about how useless and stupid I was but at least then I didn't have a choice.  I thought I outgrew that but its so familiar that when I found myself in it again I reverted right back to my old behavior. Self flagellation.

I was so upset but I didn't want to talk to anyone because I was embarrassed and my husband wasn't home. So I made du'a for myself and then included that "teacher" in my du'as as well in the hopes that by making du'a for them my heart would leave the extreme hate I was feeling towards them.  It actually worked alhamdulillah. I was feeling better not as humiliated and was slowly detaching myself emotionally from the situation. Then my husband answered the phone and asked me what was wrong and I burst in to tears again, couldn't even communicate properly and all that small progress I had made was out the window.

So since yesterday I've been thinking about my reaction and although I can conveniently "blame" this on that time of the month even THAT is an anomaly for me.  I don't PMS, have crazy mood swings and it doesn't alter my personality or ability to cope with things.  Now all of a sudden I get back pain and I become a crying baby at a moments notice?

Seriously what the heck is going on?

 

ps About the "teacher" they were right I shouldn't have answered and although my answer was correct the problem wasn't the answer but that I had no right in answering a question I was not qualified to answer as it would start an avalanche of everyone thinking they can answer a question.